Those Three Words
by SomniumSeeker
Summary: A story about Kikyou's continual struggle to get through each day in her new 'life', eventually leading up to the moment where she ponders those three words that shaped her destiny...
1. Quick History Lesson

Date: 6 September, 2003

Disclaimer: Ah, the tedious disclaimers...you'd think, wouldn't you, that if I owned InuYasha, I wouldn't have to write fanfics. Alas, no, I do not own the feudal fairytale that many of us love. That privilege belongs to none other than Rumiko Takahashi. Consider this applicable to all future chapters!

A/N: Okay, first I'd like to explain a few things about who I am and why I'm writing this. I'm primarily a Harry Potter fan, but everytime I try to write a fic, I want to make it good and long. Because of this, I've yet to finish any of them. By mere chance, I accidentally caught an episode of InuYasha on Adult Swim exactly...two nights ago. My friends have all tried to introduce me to it, but I never found it particularly addicting. I'd even watched the first few episodes of the anime when it began to air on Cartoon Network, but it just didn't fascinate me. Yet, all of a sudden, I'm practically obsessed! The main plot line doesn't interest me, I don't "oh my gosh, absolutely love" Kagome and InuYasha and all the gang, in fact, I don't particularly like any of them. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate them or anything, they're just not my favorite characters. But from the start, everytime an InuYasha manga would be given to me, I'd only been interested in one character. Leave it to me to choose one of the most hated characters (oh, wait till you hear what I think about that...) in the series, Lady Kikyou. Since seeing that episode last Wednesday, my days have been consumed by the desire to know everything I could about her. And the more I read, the more shrines I visited, the more my heart broke. This immeasurable heaviness has been following me around ever since, choosing to settle in my heart and radiate through my bones, making me thoroughly depressed. Her story is so tragic, and all of those "Kikyou-haters" are now going to know exactly what I think about all of this. So, if you're "anti-Kikyou" then I suggest you stop reading this before you prove yourself to be as stupid as I find all of you, because if you weren't stupid, then you wouldn't be reading a story that is clearly about Kikyou for the sole purpose of flaming me, like you do all of my beloved shrine-owners. If you don't like her, why are you even here? Duh. Common sense. However, if you're open minded enough to try and understand the most misunderstood character in the series, then I will try to educate you on her and help you to comprehend just how wonderful she is. I don't claim to be any sort of expert on anything involving InuYasha, as I've only just started getting into it, but I believe I've amassed enough knowledge about Kikyou and her story to help people look at her from a different point of view other than "I hate her, she keeps breaking up Kagome and InuYasha" and other similar opinions. Who knows? Maybe you'll leave here today being endeared to her, or at the very least understanding why she is who she is. Just bear in mind that this isn't my actual story (though this author's note is rather long, sorry about that), the story will come later. I'm writing all this in an attempt to purge this deep sadness from me, let's just hope it works. This is my first attempt at explaining her story, so bear with me. 

Kikyou was a miko (priestess) in a small village with only her little sister Kaede as family. Nothing much is said about her parents or why she was there, though it has been speculated that when her strong spiritual powers were discovered, she was sent to that village to apprentice to be a priestess. An ancient tribe that was protecting the Shikon no Tama (Jewel of Four Souls) had heard of her great powers and purity and asked her to guard the jewel and purify it. Though she knew that the task would be very difficult, she accepted the responsibilty, because she knew that she was the only one who could do it. She had no idea at the time how much of a burden the Shikon would be. Numerous amounts of youkai (demons) and greedy humans came after her to get their hands on the jewel to serve their own selfish purposes. She defeated them all easily, as she could sense them when they approached, so all she needed to do was shoot an arrow at them. Though her triumph over these monsters came easily to her, the protection of the jewel still took its toll. She couldn't show any emotion for fear that the youkai would use it against her, and because of this she was very lonely inside. The weight of the world was put upon her shoulders, but she still defended the jewel because it was for the eventual good of the world. She sacrificed the hope of a happy, carefree life in order to be able to give that gift to others. 

A hanyou (half demon) named InuYasha had wanted the jewel as well, hoping to use the Shikon to make him a full demon. He was being ridiculed for being only half demon, having a human mother. He eventually traced the jewel to the village Kikyou was living in, and he began to follow her around in hopes of being able to steal it from her. InuYasha watched her closely, learning everything about her in order to find a weakness. Kikyou, of course, sensed him from the start, and towards the beginning of his quest, she pinned him to a tree by his clothes many times. She could've killed him like she did so many others, but she sensed something else other than the desire for the jewel in his essence. She sensed something similar, identical to the feeling she felt in her heart every moment of every day. She sensed his loneliness. So, Kikyou spared him every time. As time went by, InuYasha found himself caring less about the jewel. He didn't understand why; the desire to follow Kikyou was still there, and yet he didn't want the jewel. It didn't make sense to him. But, he continued following her. One day, Kikyou was sitting on a hillside alone, taking a well deserved break from the village work. She sensed InuYasha watching her, as she always did. His essence was becoming a part of her everyday life, and she sensed his essence as long as she sensed her own. It seemed that he was always around her. The desire for the jewel was getting weaker, she could feel it, and curious as to why he continued to follow her even though he didn't want the jewel as much, she spoke to him. The first real words she'd ever said to him were said on that hillside underneath the bright summer sky so many years ago. It was there, in his hiding place among the trees, that he actually heard her voice addressing him. Not talking to the townspeople or the children that followed her, but him, InuYasha, the hanyou. Kikyou was inviting InuYasha to sit next to her. Tense and reluctant at first, InuYasha slowly made his way over to the place where Kikyou was. Little did he know that he would come to love those moments with her, and eagerly await the time when Kikyou rested from her duties as shrine maiden. 

As time passed, the two fell in love. Both denied it at first, as both had good reason to. InuYasha couldn't fall for a human, especially a miko who guarded the Shikon no Tama. That was far beneath him. And Kikyou couldn't show love for him for fear of the youkai finding out and using it against her. She didn't want a fate like that of the original creator of the jewel, Midoriko. Besides, how could she be sure that it wasn't a trick created by the hanyou to get the jewel? She had her responsibilites, always to be a miko first and a human second. Yet, despite all of their reasons not to fall in love, we all know that love is an emotion that will not be denied. No longer able to fight it, Kikyou and InuYasha told one another their feelings. Finally, finally the feelings of loneliness evaporated from their auras. Kikyou had someone to share things with, to show emotion to, to let into her heart. And InuYasha had a friend. A real friend who didn't make fun of him for being a half breed. There was someone here who wanted him, when so many before had abandoned him and even been ashamed of knowing him. But most importantly, they both had someone to love them. They were finally whole. They spent happy moments together, their love becoming more and more of a necessity rather than desire. Without the other, the day simply was not right. However, their small doubts remained in their hearts. Those doubts would be their downfall. 

(Okay, this is the part I know least about, so sorry in advance for getting things wrong and leaving stuff out!) Kikyou had cared for an injured thief named Onigumo. Onigumo had suffered severe burns, and we later find out that he tricked his companion into trying to steal the Shikon and his partner had gotten an arrow in his right eye as a result. Angry at Onigumo for deceiving him, he set him on fire and left him for dead. Kikyou found him and moved him to a cave. He was beyond help, but she tried to sustain his life as long as she could. When the time came for him to die, he told the demons around him that he would give them his flesh to feast on in exchange for their mobility. And thus, Naraku was created. Because Onigumo died loving Kikyou, so Naraku felt as well. He wanted to corrupt the jewel and have it for his own. All he needed to do was touch it and it would be corrupted, but instead he tried to kill two birds with one stone and turn InuYasha and Kikyou against one another. 

Sometime during their days together, Kikyou had asked InuYasha to become human for her. If they used the Shikon to make him a full human, then the jewel would be purified and Kikyou would be free of her duties, free to be not a miko, but a woman. Then they could live together. InuYasha surprisingly agreed. So, they said that the next day, at dawn, Kikyou would meet him and they would make their wish. 

When the time came, Kikyou went to meet her love. She saw him waiting for her in the shadows, and she made as if to embrace him when he suddenly attacked her, slashing her shoulder and part of her chest. Surprised and wounded, Kikyou lay face down on the ground. She had dropped the Shikon in her fall, and as she reached out to grab it, she saw a familiar bare foot come down heavily on her hand. Without ceremony, InuYasha took the jewel and left. 

Meanwhile, InuYasha was waiting for Kikyou in the spot that they had designated the night before. He smelled her familiar scent before he saw her coming, and he barely got her name past his lips before an arrow shot towards him, barely missing. He dodged the arrows fired by Kikyou, all the while feeling deeply betrayed. He had allowed himself to love her, and she had gotten the best of him. Enraged, he headed towards the village, wreaking havoc on it in his rage. He took the Shikon Jewel from it's place in the temple and fled. 

Kikyou, though wounded, went after InuYasha, her bow and arrow in hand. The sight of her village burning met her eyes, and the screams "InuYasha! It was InuYasha!" pierced through the calm of the forest. She turned back, heading towards the heart of the forest, rage filling her every being, as well as a feeling of betrayal. She caught InuYasha fleeing from the scene, the tell-tale glimmer of Shikon peeking out through his fingers. It was then that she made her decision. The decision that shaped her fate, all in a matter of seconds. She shot her arrow and this time she actually intended to hit him. How strange it must've felt actually aiming at him, him who she'd always pin to a tree but never actually harm. But harm him she did, her miko duties to her people and the Jewel resuming their rightful place on her list of priorities. The jewel dropped from his hand as his body went limp, him muttering her name before he fell into his slumber that Kikyou took to be death. Close to death as well, Kikyou's last words were directed to her sister Kaede, telling her to burn her remains with the Jewel. And that was the end, so they thought. 

Naraku's plan didn't quite work out, as he had expected Kikyou to use the Shikon to save her own life, which would've corrupted it. Then Naraku could have Kikyou and the Jewel. But now the jewel was out of his reach. Kikyou chose to die with InuYasha because despite the knowledge that he betrayed her, she still loved him with all of her heart and she hoped to meet him in the afterlife, where they could love one another forever. 

It would be some fifty years later that a hag named Urasue would bring Kikyou back, hoping to have the miko retrieve the Shikon shards for her. She made a mixture of clay, bone, and Kikyou's ashes, then sculpted it into a body. She was dismayed to find that Kikyou was just a lifeless shell, but as luck would have it, the 'gang' was nearby, searching for the one who stole Kikyou's ashes. Urasue found Kagome to be Kikyou's reincarnation, and proceeded to take her soul. Kikyou came out into the open wearing her miko outfit, still somewhat lifeless. InuYasha rushed in after Kagome, and was shocked to see Kikyou. A voice called to him, Kikyou's voice, telling him not to call her name. But he did, and Kagome's soul went into Kikyou. She killed Urasue, then asked InuYasha why he betrayed her, and InuYasha was clearly stunned. Hadn't it been she who was the traitor? But Kagome's body began to call the soul back into her, and Kikyou fled with only a small fraction of it held inside her by her hate of InuYasha. 

InuYasha went after her, and saw her fall from a ledge in her haste to leave. He caught her, but she refused his help. She shocked him with an electrical charge and supposedly fell to her death. She survived, though, kept alive by the intense hatred she felt for InuYasha. 

Now she wanders the earth aimlessly, wanting very few things, but very large things. She later learned of Naraku's trick and was intent to see him go to Hell, and she swore that she would not give InuYasha's life to anyone because it belonged to her. So, she is here to protect him, watch over him, make sure that no one kills him because it is her right. One can never fully grasp the torture she faces now, everyday being reminded that she's been replaced by her reincarnation in InuYasha's arms. Hell is so lonely, and her heart aches to have him there with her, so that she could love him forever. But he denies her, all for that girl, Kagome. She struggles to live, though all she wants is to die, because of her obligation to InuYasha. She feeds off the souls of the dead, feeling guilty about it, but willing to go through it for him. And all the while, InuYasha continues to love another. How frustrating it must be for her to know that things could've turned out differently. That he did love her, that he didn't betray her, that they could've been happy together. Yet, all she can do to retrieve a past where she was happy is help villages with her miko powers, perhaps pretending that it is her village, and that they are her people. Until the day came when she could finally send Naraku to Hell and rest somewhat peacefully. 

So, I hope that gives you a little more insight into the tragic story of Kikyou. Like I said before, many of the people who hate Kikyou wield what I like to call "blind hate", meaning that they don't really have a reason to hate her, they just automatically hate her because she is Kagome's rival. So many terms come to mind when I think of the sheer stupidity of that reasoning, the most prominent being 'pathetic'. Consider this little article my attempt to help cease the pathetic-ness. 

Here are a few things to keep in mind as you leave this chapter (hopefully to go on to the next!):

1.) I'm not out to offend anyone here, I'm simply trying to help people understand the true depths of Kikyou's character. So, I won't apologize for offending anyone because if anyone was offended, it's their own fault. You shouldn't be reading stuff like this in the first place if your mind is so closed to understanding things that are unknown to you. If I get flames, then I'll just laugh ardently at the thought of someone going to all the trouble of reading the summary of my story, seeing it clearly feature Kikyou, clicking on the title, skimming through the story, then flaming me for writing a story about Kikyou. How sad...

2.) I will apologize for the seemingly flat description style that I displayed here. Explaining the whole story was kinda tedious, though necessary. It's really cold and rainy...I can't help but be kinda boring...But not to worry! The rest is far more exciting, I swear! Oh, and I also apologize for my excessive use of commas. It's a bad habit, I know...

3.) Okay, from the whole Onigumo section on is something that I wrote today (September 10) because I'm ready to post my story, but I hadn't finished this little article, and this is the first part to the whole thing. So, after this I'm going to continue working on the chapter titled "Envy's Double Edge". No idea why you'd want to know any of that...but oh well! Great episode tonight for Kikyou lovers, though tomorrow's will definitely leave the Kikyou/InuYasha fans miffed. Ah well, I'm trying really hard to not root for Kikyou and InuYasha to get together. It'll never happen, so I'm trying (in vain) to accept it. 

4.) Again, in no way does this mean that I have anything against Kagome fans! Kagome's not my favorite character, but neither is anyone else besides Kikyou! Yet, Rin is really cool, I love her! So, she's my second favorite. Anyway, back to the point. I don't have any problems whatsoever with Kagome fans, to each his own, I suppose, it's just the Kikyou haters I don't like. So, please don't be mad at me, Kagome fans, I love you! Well, some of you. To the rest of you that I don't like: Feh. Just who that is, I won't say, but assume that it's not you. 

Erm...I think that's everything. If I've forgotten something, I'll just add it in later! So, go on to the next chapter, Chapter 1, Forsaken and Fine! Till next time!


	2. Forsaken and Fine

Title: Those Three Words

Chapter: One- Forsaken and Fine

Place in time (applicable to all future chapters): Since the last episode of InuYasha I've seen with Kikyou in it was the one where she calls InuYasha to her after his fight with Kagura and Kanne and they talk for a bit, I'll just take it from there. 

A/N: Don't worry, this won't be as long as the last one! I just wanted to let you know a few things. Okay, like I said before, in case you skipped over all that, I'm writing this fic to help purge myself of my inner demons which have been haunting me for the past few days. Kikyou's story completely and thoroughly depresses me, and also has me very scared to fall in love. I have yet to do so, and now I'm seriously considering never letting it happen. The heaviness in my spirit is still here, but I'm hoping that in writing this story I'll be able to save myself. So, the point of telling you all this? To inform you that I haven't the slightest idea what I'm doing. I'm just making it up as I go along, which is probably the best way to do things. Therefore, your feedback really helps (unless you're one of _those_ people, the ones who only read a fic to flame) and will definitely play an important part in shaping this story. But no, to all of you Kagome fans, I will not change the story to revolve around her. Besides, I'm not going to insult Kagome in this story, I prefer to stay above all of the brutal Kagome fans who do so to Kikyou. I'm not saying all Kagome fans are bad; on the contrary, my very best friend in the whole world is a Kagome fan (sure you won't reconsider?) and I love her very much. Yet, there are those meanies out there who are childish enough to visit Kikyou shrines and flame the owners for liking her, or write stories about "evil, bitch Kikyou" which I've seen numerous times. May I just say to all of those abhorrent people who do: You should be seriously ashamed of yourselves. Have you ever noticed that when there's something on your mind, everything can be applied to it? Well, that's what has gone on with me. Yet, two songs in particular stand out, and they are "Will You Still Love Me" and Dido's "White Flag". They just seem very relevant to my story and have helped inspire a lot of it. So, cheers to those two songs. Okay, now I'm listening to my newly discovered Norah Jones CD. I needed writing music. The song playing now is "Shoot the Moon". There, I'm done, really I am! Now to the story! Enjoy, and don't forget what I said about ideas. I really need them, and I'm sure to use some of them. I'll even credit you! Okay, so here it goes. I just hope I post this, because goodness knows that all of my other fics haven't seen the light of day. 

This chapter is dedicated to: Hmm...who shall I dedicate my first chapter to? Erm...oh, I know! Okay, this first chapter is dedicated to all of the people who have made a Kikyou shrine. Thank you for helping me understand Kikyou and for portraying her as she really is. Not evil, or completely spiteful (partially, yes. Completely? Never.). Thank you for maintaining your integrity in a Kikyou-hating world. You have no idea how much that means to me. Though I thank all of you, I especially thank the owners of Melancholy and Shrine Maiden; your sites helped me so much! 

Realizing that it was pointless, Kikyou stopped forcing her hand into the grass. The small green shoots weakly struggled upright, but couldn't return to their previous stance. "I should've known..." she mumbled, staring at her palm. "I'll never feel more." The body that Urasue had created for her could feel, yes, but significantly less than a normal body. Because she had her ashes, Kikyou could feel some things, but ashes and earth could never feel things like true flesh and bone could. So, though she felt a slight prick, her efforts to feel the cool softness were in vain. Kikyou sighed. 

"Do you wish to ask me something?" Kikyou said aloud, apparently to no one. She did not turn, just kept looking out at the vast expanse of field in front of her. 

Cautiously, a small boy crept out from behind the tree Kikyou was sitting against. "Y-you're Kikyou-san, right?" he said nervously, inching closer to the miko. 

A small smile stole its way onto Kikyou's face, though not quite reaching her eyes. None of her smiles did these days. Children's essences were always so light and carefree, as they should be. Though he was nervous, his essence was comforting to her, momentarily making her forget about the turmoil that seemed to weigh down on her whenever she thought of it. 

Breaking her constant gaze on the field in front of her, which she wasn't really looking at anyway, she turned her head to face the child. Her eyes widened at the sight of him. He seemed to be no older than nine, and his face was badly burned. The scars looked old, but they were disfiguring nonetheless. All of the shapes on his face seemed to meld together, resulting in an odd, rippling effect. The waves of pink and pale white were broken by two eyes, and though they were forced into a squint, Kikyou could just barely make out the color. Eyes were the window to the soul, she knew best of all because she had to learn how to hide behind them, but this boy's eyes were a color she forced herself to detest. Gold. 

Before the boy could make a hurt expression in response to the subtle look of shock on her face, Kikyou was ready with a gentle smile. "Hello. Yes, you're correct, I am Kikyou. Did you need something?" she asked in a soft voice, gesturing next to her for the boy to sit. 

The boy obliged, though sitting in a rather rigid way, as if he were afraid to relax. Looking up into the miko's eyes, he briefly wondered whether they were brown or gray. "Well...the other kids said that you were a priestess." He stated in a shaky voice, refusing to meet her eyes once more. 

Kikyou placed her hand on his head, causing him to look up at her. "Yes, I am a miko."

The boy relaxed somewhat. "I-I was wondering...wondering if you could, er-would..." he trailed off, his hands twisting together in his lap. 

Kikyou remained silent. He would tell her in time, and she would wait patiently until he was ready. Yet, something in his last sentence stirred something in her. She wasn't sure what or why, but she felt that heaviness creep up on her again, slowly making its way into that place just above her stomach, next to her heart. 

He tried again. "I was wondering...if you could...m-make me," he paused, as if searching for the word. "Better."

The heaviness that she began to feel earlier was pushed swiftly aside by a sinking feeling in her throat. She hated it when she was asked to do things she couldn't do. She could make him better, she knew that. But, that would be a denial of Fate. The gods made him the way he was on purpose. It wasn't a question of making him better. It was making him different. He wouldn't be any better than he was now, on the outside maybe, but his spirit would be the same, perhaps damaged if she changed him. He'd become cocky, or find things to be easy and not understand the purpose of challenge. There was a reason he was the way he was, and Kikyou would never dream of defying the gods. That's what got her into this whole mess in the first place. No, she wouldn't change his appearance. She wouldn't be doing what he asked anyway. He probably meant 'better looking' when he said 'better', she knew that. But Kikyou was going to do exactly what he asked. Make him better. 

"What do you mean?" Kikyou asked the boy. 

He looked up at her in surprise. Did she not understand? "You know...fix me, make my face..."

"But that's different from making you better." Kikyou stated matter-of-factly. 

"I don't get it..."

"You are perfect the way you are. You don't need me to fix anything."

"But my face..."

"Is that all you think you are? A face? No, child, you are more than that. So much more. You are a mind," she gently touched his head, "And a heart," she set her hand on his chest. Nearby her foot was a dandelion. She picked it and blew on it. The bits of fluff flew everywhere. "And a spirit."

The boy watched the dandelion pieces float away before he answered. "I'm...ugly."

"Are you really? You could have fooled me." Kikyou told the boy with a small smile. "Tell me, have you ever hurt someone very badly? On purpose?"

The boy thought for a moment. "No...not on purpose."

"Good. Have you ever done something stupid, something stupid that could've resulted in something serious?"

"No...no, I don't think so."

"Alright. Now, do you hate anyone? I mean, really hate someone?"

"No, I don't _hate_ people. Some people make me mad when they make fun of me, though."

"That's fine. It's okay to be angry sometimes." 

"I still don't understand..."

"Don't you see? You're mind is good, your heart is good, and your spirit is good. You haven't done anything stupid, you haven't hurt anyone, and you don't hate anyone. You can't possibly be ugly. In fact, you're a very beautiful person." 

The boy looked up at her again. He had been staring at the place where the dandelion had been throughout the whole conversation. When he met her eyes, she saw tears in them. "Thank you...I get it now. I'm not ugly." The boy brusquely wiped at his tears, as though he didn't want them to fall to the ground. Kikyou knew the feeling. 

"That's right. And don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. As long as you keep your heart, mind, and spirit good, you can never ever be anything but beautiful." Kikyou stated with a smile. 

"Amatsubu? Amatsubu! Where are you? It's time for dinner!" A female voice called out.

"That's my sister, I'd better go." The boy seemed happier, though reluctant to leave. He seemed like he wanted to say something more but before Kikyou could ask, the boy lunged at her, embracing the miko. Kikyou's eyes widened with surprise. He lingered for a moment, then pulled away and stood. "Thank you again, Kikyou-san," he said. Amatsubu turned to leave, but then stopped. He reached down by his by his foot and picked a dandelion. "Here," he said, turning and offering the flower to the miko. "A thank you present."

Lost for words, Kikyou simply accepted the flower and nodded. Amatsubu smiled once more before turning away and running back up the hill towards the village. 

Night was a time that Kikyou dreaded. It wasn't that she was scared for her safety; it was no question that she could hold her own, even with her damaged body. No, it was the introspections. During the day, there was always the threat, but usually something happened to distract her from it. Children would ask her to teach them about flowers, or a sick villager would need the care of a priestess. But in the night, her inner demons were free to haunt her relentlessly. Perhaps it was the darkness, or the slight chill she felt from the night wind, but something about the night meant that she always had to face her nightmares, even in, especially in, her waking moments. It was ironic, really, night used to be what she looked forward to the most...she loved the stars and the moon, and it was the only time she could meet- Kikyou shook her head arduously. She was not going to think about _him._ It was bad enough...she was an apparition, merely a restless spirit that was put in a makeshift body. Because of this, she could never _move on_. Just the sound of the words in her head sounded ridiculous. She hated him in death, but loved him as well. Love mixed with hate is always frustration. And that's what she felt now. It's what she felt now, and yesterday, and would feel tomorrow. But she was trying. Trying as best as she could in her situation. To get over him was impossible, she knew that full well, but she would try. She had no choice. Kikyou was sure that InuYasha loved _her_ now. Her...could you call her a reincarnation? They were so different... It didn't matter. He chose Kagome over her, she just knew it. Even if he didn't say it, even if he chased her around whenever the hint of her appeared somewhere, he loved Kagome now. And if he didn't love her now, he would love her in time. If it were a choice between her life ('well, if you could call it that' Kikyou mused.) and Kagome's, he would pick Kagome. Already he'd forsaken her. But she would be strong. She would cope as much as her tortured spirit would allow. She would be fine. Kikyou sighed. The truth of the matter was that InuYasha's heart was no longer hers. The words gnawed at her heart. She subconsciously curled up closer to the trunk of the tree she was sitting in. The branch didn't even shift underneath her. She could never be free from him, her soul was tied to the memory of them. She couldn't escape...So many moments in which all she wanted was to die again, and rest. But she couldn't ever rest. Not anymore. Knowing he was alive, and with someone else would keep her turning in her grave for sure. She almost screamed at the unfairness of it all. 

A light breeze blew against her, whispering loose some of the dandelion she clutched in her hand. It grazed her cheek, but she didn't feel it. It should've tickled her, but the only reason she knew it was there was because she saw it float away. Looking down at the flower, she smiled another one of her sad smiles. She was glad that she could help that little boy. Amatsubu...raindrop. Grateful for a different subject, Kikyou replayed their conversation in her head. It was then that she realized why his words affected her. " I-I was wondering...wondering if you could, er-would..."

Her village was having another one of those winters. The winters in which the day was deceptively bright, but bitterly cold. She had always wondered why the season even bothered to lie. Maybe it found it all amusing. After she had finished all of her duties in the village, Kikyou headed to the waterfall with the Shikon in hand. Another purification ritual for the jewel, a ritual that did not care how cold it was outside. Because her mind was so focused on getting through this one, she forgot to set up her spirit shield. Instead, she went straight into the waterfall, wanting to get it over with as soon as possible. 

The freezing water pounded down on her as she stood, holding the jewel. She tried to relax her muscles, but she couldn't stop bracing against the waterfall's merciless course. Kikyou was sure that she wouldn't be able to separate her hands again and lower her arms from their prayer position and that she would have to sit by the fire for hours before it was even remotely possible. Trying to take her mind somewhere else, she sensed someone nearby. Because she was so cold and beaten, it was hard for her to sense who. It seemed to be a youkai, but she couldn't leave. Not yet. She'd been there for hours, and she was almost done. The color at the back of her eyelids told her that the sun was setting now, painting the sky with its reds and golds. If she could just hold on a bit longer... To Kikyou's surprise, the demon didn't attack, but it remained where it was. She felt an energy shoot through her bones, warming her for a brief moment before dying away and leaving her as cold as ever. This signified that the ritual was done for the day, and wouldn't have to be performed until spring. Grateful, though slightly disoriented, Kikyou stepped out of the waterfall carefully, making sure that her body was aligned just right so that the force of the waterfall would not push her face down into the stream. Her world was blurred, and all she could see was the pink tint of the sky dancing in front of her and the greens of the trees and grass near the stream. She made her way to the bank, but the winter wind bit at her mercilessly and her vision wasn't clearing. The last thing she remembered was her knees buckling and the dew on the grass soaking through to her legs, a flash of silver, and something strong grabbing her , its warmth making her frozen arm sting. 

When Kikyou woke up, things were out of focus, and were she less disoriented, she'd wonder if her vision would be like that forever. Things became clearer though, and she found herself in the heart of a cave, the gray rock telling her that she was somewhere near the forest. There was a fire going, and she seemed to be nestled in a pile of furs. She was warm now, but very confused. Kikyou looked around her. There didn't seem to be anyone around. The cave was pretty much empty; just a fire pit, some furs, her clothes, some rocks- wait. Kikyou stared straight ahead, afraid to look back to where her eyes were before. She didn't see them, it was impossible, her clothes were right here on her body. She felt her leg, hoping to feel the cloth of her hakata, but to her dismay skin touched skin. She was...naked. Her, Kikyou, miko of her village, guardian of the Shikon no Tama, was naked in a cave that she had no clue about. 

She sensed someone coming, but now that she was in her right state of mind, she knew who it was. The soaring feeling that seemed to come whenever he was near, the feeling that she always tried so hard to suppress soon turned into a shriveling feeling of embarrassment. Her new friend, her first friend, her only friend had seen her- she didn't even want to think it. Naked. 

"InuYasha," she said breathlessly as he walked into the cave with a bundle of wood in his hands. 

The hanyou started, resulting in a few pieces of wood clattering loudly to the ground. "K-Kikyou, you're awake," InuYasha said, his gold eyes growing large just before they shifted to the ground. "W-we were supposed to meet in our usual spot, but you weren't there so I got worried and I found you under the waterfall. When you came out, you collapsed, and I brought you here, to my den." InuYasha said shyly, somehow seeming just as embarassed as Kikyou was. She was soon to learn the reason why. "Your clothes..." InuYasha said, and it seemed like every bit of his attention was focused on the hem of her hakata lying a few feet away from him. "They were wet, and you were shaking, so I-" InuYasha stopped, swallowing. 

After a moment of silence, both Kikyou and InuYasha spoke simultaneously. 

"What were you doing anyway? You must be crazy!" InuYasha said forcefully. 

"Thank you, InuYasha." Kikyou said coyly. 

They looked to each other in surprise. After a moment they both laughed, breaking the tension between them. "You're welcome." InuYasha replied. 

"I was purifying the jewel. The jewel! Where is it?" Kikyou looked around, panicked. 

"Don't worry, it should be there, I wrapped it around your wrist," InuYasha replied nonchalantly, picking up the pieces of wood he dropped and bringing them over to where she was. 

Kikyou pulled her left arm out from its hiding place beneath the furs, and saw the jewel, twinkling innocently at her. She cursed it for the umpteenth time. But something wasn't right. "You didn't..." Kikyou started.

"Didn't what?" InuYasha replied, busy tending the fire. The wood crackled brightly, sending some sparks out. 

"You didn't...take it." Kikyou said, her hazel eyes large as they looked to InuYasha. 

It took a while for InuYasha to take in what Kikyou said. He didn't take it. He could've, it would've been so easy, but he didn't. Up until she mentioned it, he didn't even notice that the jewel was right there, ready to be taken, practically asking to be stolen. He was too busy worrying about Kikyou. Not sure of what to say next, Kikyou saved him the trouble. 

"...Thank you..." she said again, looking to the ground. 

InuYasha rested his golden eyes on her. Kikyou was usually so...guarded. So serious. But now...she seemed vulnerable. Helpless. But he knew better. He smirked to himself. Even now, she could still give him a good fight. Not that he'd ever harm her...what? Did he just think that? No...it was a mistake. She was his friend, which was already severely breaking his hanyou code. He couldn't let it turn into anything more. 

"InuYasha?" Kikyou asked gingerly. He looked to be deep in thought, and she knew how irritating it was to be interrupted when thinking, but this was something that couldn't wait any longer. 

"Hmm?" InuYasha asked as Kikyou's features came back into focus. She seemed really...skittish. It put him in mind of...a deer, when you edge towards it slowly. 

"C-could you turn around please? I'm going to put my clothes on." Kikyou said, clearly embarrassed. 

"Oh- yeah, sure," He said, turning around and sitting cross-legged. He didn't understand why she didn't want him to see her; he'd already seen her naked anyway. 'Feh, humans...' he thought to himself. 

After a few moment's rustling sounds, Kikyou's soft voice rang out through the cave. "Okay, you can turn around now."

InuYasha turned around to see Kikyou scooting closer to him. He absently thought that that waterfall had seriously addled her brains because the Kikyou he knew would never do any of these things she was doing now. "Thank you, for saving me." Kikyou murmured. 

The hanyou's brains were apparently the ones that were addled, because he couldn't think of anything dashing or arrogant or proud to say. Instead he replied "I think you told me that already," It came out before he could stop it, leaving him feeling completely and utterly stupid. It was luck that he caught himself before slamming his palm into his forhead. As if he needed that to top it off. 

Kikyou laughed, breaking the tension. She rarely ever smiled, so whenever she did, InuYasha was sure to keep it stored in his memory for a lonely day. "And I don't think you mind hearing it again." Kikyou brushed her fingertips lightly against the back of his hand. Before InuYasha could respond, she stood up to leave. "I'd better be getting back; Kaede will be worried." Kikyou said, taking care not to meet his eyes. She turned to leave. 

Before he knew what he was doing, he was on his feet behind Kikyou, her hand in his. "Wait," he said.

She turned around in surprise, her eyes wide."What is it?" Kikyou questioned, her eyes reflecting the fire behind him. It danced across her face and in her hair. What was it? Even he didn't know. All he knew was that he didn't really want her to leave. Screw his hanyou code.

"I-I was wondering...wondering if you could, er-would..." InuYasha trailed off, his eyes once again resting on the ground. Kikyou did not say anything as she waited for him to finish. InuYasha took a deep breath and began again. "I was wondering...hoping that you cou- would," he swallowed. "Stay here with me."

The miko's eyes widened at him. Stay here tonight? She couldn't possibly...but in her heart she knew she wanted to. The journey home suddenly looked so much lonelier from this side of things. Before she realized it, she was nodding slowly. 

"Really? Er-I mean," InuYasha took on a more gruff voice. "That's good." Realizing his hand was still grasping hers he quickly let go of it, but Kikyou reached out again and captured his hand in hers. The tips of her fingers were calloused from holding arrows and crushing herbs and mending wounds. 

His hand still in hers, a pink tinge to his cheeks, he led her over to the fire which he put out with a pile of dirt nearby. He helped her in the dark into the pile of furs, and they curled up there, where they slept the best they'd ever slept before, somehow feeling more complete just being near each other. 

Kikyou smiled at the memory, the movement of her cheeks nudging the tears welled up in her eyes loose. Before they could fall, Kikyou wiped at them roughly. "As long as they don't hit the ground, they don't count..." she mumbled to herself. Shifting slightly, finding a more comfortable position, she again looked to the dandelion in her hands. She had told the boy that he wasn't ugly. As long as he hadn't done anything stupid, hurt anyone on purpose, or hated anyone, he wasn't ugly. But what did that mean about her? She had done all three. Did that make her ugly? Kikyou already knew the answer to that. She found herself to be ugly, and all the good deeds she did didn't do anything to relieve the feeling of guilt that had been settled in the pit of her stomach since she had been...back. It was a part of her now, as was the heaviness. Sighing, she closed her eyes. "InuYasha..." Her whisper had coaxed more dandelion fluff loose. Looking down at it once more, Kikyou remembered that she used to tell the children in the village that if they blew on the dandelion and made a wish, the wish would come true. But what was her wish? There were so many things she wanted. Not a pretty ribbon for her hair or a flowery kimono, though she wished that was all she had to wish for. No, Kikyou wanted so many things. To be able to rest peacefully, for the Shikon to be gone from the world for good, for InuYasha to love her again... so many things. But to choose one? There were so many more than those...The miko thought for a few moments, barely noticing that the wind had taken up its harsh course again. When she was sure, Kikyou shut her eyes tight, made her wish, and blew all the rest of the dandelion away. She watched the pieces dance away up to the sky before resting her head against the trunk of the tree. She closed her eyes and another tear slipped out, but this time she wasn't able to catch it, and it fell amongst the patch of grass she had been forcing her hand into, desperate to feel. Sighing, she let the dandelion stem fall from her hands before disappearing to find a new village to try and belong in. 


	3. Try My Hand

Title: Those Three Words

Chapter: Two- Try My Hand

A/N: Alas, no InuYasha/Kikyou flashbacks in this one. Sorry to all of those who enjoy them. But don't worry, they'll be back soon! I had to focus this chapter on a very important event. Well, I may be able to squeeze a mini one in here, but it's not going to be as detailed as the last. Anything to make you happy!

This chapter is dedicated to: All of the lovely people who wrote Kikyou fanfiction! I love you guys so much! Seriously, you made me feel so good just reading your fics, it's amazing how much fics can mean to people. Special thanks to the following (go out and read their fics!)- Leeman (You're bloody brilliant, kinda peculiar, but brilliant nonetheless), Queen (Your eloquence is definitely the subject of my envy), Amber Moon, Aino-kaachan, Azurite, Kylara (Mass thanks for the Kikyou article! I was saying "Yeah, that's right!" and nodding my head the whole time!), LonliestNumber, and Kalus (You made me cry so much when reading your fic, but trust me, that's a great thing! I never cry!). You all have such wonderful gifts, thanks for sharing them with all of us who love Kikyou. You make me feel highly inferior and completely unworthy, but that just makes me love you more. All hail these authors. 

Inspired by: "The Painter" by Norah Jones. I'll include the lyrics at the end of this chapter, as I've finally got a song I know all the lyrics to! From now on I'll put these here, and you can listen to the song(s) that I list while you read if you want. It helps the mood, I guess. 

Kikyou could feel the stares burning into the her back as she walked along the well traveled path. Some were girls muttering with envy, some were men whispering to their friends about her beauty, and some were older folk discussing her miko outfit. Fifty years hadn't changed too much. 

"Miss! Excuse me, miss!" Kikyou heard a call behind her. Assuming it was for someone else, she kept walking. The sound of scurrying footsteps grew louder and Kikyou realized that this person was addressing her. She also noticed that he was very clumsy, judging by the sound his feet made as they dragged slightly in his run. Still, she pretended that she didn't notice him calling her. She wasn't really in the mood to deal with anything today. Well, the miko was never really in the mood, but today more than usual. 

Slightly out of breath, the man finally caught up with her. "Ex-" he paused, trying to catch his breath. Kikyou kept looking straight ahead, choosing to just watch him from the corner of her eye. He was very thin, and he was carrying a paint set in one hand, and an easel under the other arm. The easel seemed almost larger than him. The two were certainly built the same. The man tried again. "Excuse me, miss, but I was hoping you'd do me a favor."

Her curiousity slightly captured, Kikyou stopped her swift stride abruptly, causing the man to walk a few more feet before realizing she had left his side. He hustled back to her, his mouth opening slightly. 

"What is it?" Kikyou questioned a bit more harshly than she meant to. 

"It's just...you're more beautiful up close." the man stated without any hint of embarrassment. 

It was all Kikyou could do to keep from rolling her eyes. "Wasn't there something you wished to ask me?"

"Oh- yes, that's right! I'm a painter, and I was hoping that you'd pose for me. I'd like to paint your portrait."

As a reflex, Kikyou's eyebrows furrowed. "Why?"

"Well, I've rarely ever seen any mikos before, and I've certainly never seen any woman as beautiful as you in my life, so if you'd pose for me, I'd not only get to paint a miko, but the most beautiful miko there is. That to me would be a privelege." The man stated plainly. 

Kikyou couldn't help but be suspicious. He was so...forward! "Is that all you want? For me to pose for you?"

The man nodded vigorously. "Yes, I'd just like to be able to paint you. I'll even paint two portraits, that way you can keep one and give it to your sweetheart." the painter offered, clearly trying to gauge whether Kikyou had a sweetheart to give the portrait to. 

Something seemed to tauten in the miko's face at that statement, but she merely cast him one more suspicious glance before looking out over the road ahead. "Yes, alright then, I'll allow you to paint me."

The man was overjoyed. To Kikyou it seemed that as if he were restraining himself from jumping up and down and clapping his hands. "Thank you!" He extended his hand that held the small painting kit. "My name is Kusanagi, by the way."

Kikyou looked down at his hand for a moment, then met his eager gaze with an analyzing one. The miko merely nodded. "I am Kikyou."

"What a beautiful name you have," Kusanagi replied, and he continued as though he didn't notice her blatant denial of his offered hand. "Fits you perfectly. Kikyou, like the Chinese Bellflower."

Slightly impressed at his knowledge of flowers, Kikyou's eyes widened slightly. 

"Ha, surprised that I know about flowers?" the man, Kusanagi, asked as if he read her mind. "I don't really know all that much about them, just about the Bellflower. It's one of my favorites! Amazing that now I get to paint a beauty with the same name."

Becoming slightly irritated at this onslaught of compliments, Kikyou began to walk again. "Where would you like us to go?" She asked over her shoulder as the man stood in the same spot, seemingly confused. 

Snapping out of his brief daze, he again hurried to catch up with her. "Hmm...let me see...oh! I know, how bout that bridge just ahead? That'll be perfect!"

Kikyou nodded her consent, making a small noise to signify that she understood. She otherwise remained silent. The miko pondered why she was being so cold to this painter. Normally she was very friendly with villagers, but today she was in a wretched mood. The weather seemed to ignore her inner gloom though, as the sky was a bright blue, a few feeble wisps of cloud dancing across it. Kikyou began to feel guilty about being frigid with the painter, so she started a conversation. "Kusanagi, why do you paint?" Kikyou asked.

Kusanagi seemed startled that she spoke. "I-I'm not sure," he said. "I've never really thought about it before. I just love painting. I guess it takes my mind off of life's hardships. Keeps me from being too sad." he replied in a serious tone.

Before she could ponder this further, the two reached the bridge. 

Kusanagi set up his easel by one of the sides of the bridge, facing out over the sparkling river underneath. While he was doing this, he thought of how he was going to have the miko pose. When he finished setting up, he stood there for a few moments more, appearing to be in thought. His eyes lit up as he created the perfect pose in his mind. "I've got it!" He exclaimed, turning away from the canvas and walking over to Kikyou, who had been standing at the railing of the bridge while he was occupied. "Okay...now, lets see. Kikyou-san, please sit on the railing of this bridge, facing towards the bridge, not the water, and look out towards me where my easel is." Kusanagi directed. 

Kikyou did as she was told, and she mounted the top of the railing, her feet resting on the bar just below. "Like this?" she asked. 

Kusanagi looked at her for a second, and then walked over and grabbed one of Kikyou's hands, both of which were holding on the rail on either side of her. He then moved it to her lap. Kusanagi walked back, staring once more at the miko. His constant stare was beginning to make her uncomfortable. "Something's missing..." he mumbled to himself. Again his face took on the pensive look as he searched for what was wrong with it all. After a few seconds, his eyebrows shot up. "I know! Wait there for me, please, I just need to go get something!" And with that, Kusanagi ran off. 

Kikyou remained where she was, but after a few minutes she wondered whether he was playing a trick on her, just waiting to see how long she would sit there. As she silently scolded herself for being so stupid and prepared to jump off, Kusanagi came running back, holding a bouquet of wildflowers. 

"O-okay," Kusanagi panted, making his way over to the miko. "Here," he said breathlessly, laying the flowers in Kikyou's lap. He stepped back, his hand going to the bottom of his chin. After a while he walked back to her, arranging her arm around the flowers. Kusanagi walked backwards once more, almost bumping into someone in the process. He didn't seem to notice, though, as a large grin spread across his face. "Perfect! Now, just stay exactly like that! Please don't move!" he exclaimed, hustling over to his canvas where he began to paint furiously, his brush making scratchy noises against the fabric. 

Kikyou briefly mused that she wouldn't dream of moving, as it took so long for him to get her pose just so. She watched the painter as he worked frantically, black ink splattering his hand as he dipped his brush into the ink vigorously. She noticed his paintset nearby. It wasn't very elaborate, just a few brushes and various colors he probably made by crushing flower petals and berries. 

The latter brought back memories of InuYasha, like the time when he asked her to teach him about plants like she did the village children. He wasn't a very good student, though; he didn't seem to be paying much attention, and he even ate a berry that she had distinctly told him was poisonous. She scolded him for not listening to her, but he said that the only reason he asked her to teach him was because he wanted her to smile at him like she did the children. This was early in their friendship, so Kikyou was slightly stunned at his remark. She didn't have time to think more on it though, as InuYasha started to feel the effects of the berry. When he was done vomiting in the bushes, Kikyou rubbing his back the whole time, InuYasha turned and looked at her with a pout. "Don't look at me like that!" Kikyou exclaimed defensively. "You were the one who ate the stupid berry; I told you it was poisonous!" InuYasha's pout just deepened. "But I was hungry..."

Kikyou smiled just thinking about it. It was a sad smile, as were all her smiles, but she had many memories on which she looked back on that could make her a little bit happy. But, sad smiles were the most she could ever do, as tragedy seemed to follow her around, as often as her own shadow. A part of the painter's earlier words resurfaced in her head. "...I'll even paint two portraits, that way you can keep one and give it to your sweetheart..." Would she give it to InuYasha? No, she couldn't do any such thing. What a silly thought. Kikyou chided herself for thinking such a thing. And yet, what was keeping her from it? Kikyou shut her eyes tightly for a moment. Kagome. Kikyou had already promised herself that she would back off. Kagome could make InuYasha happy, she knew that. Did she hate her for it? Maybe. But there was nothing she could do about it. She would just try to go on, to get through each day. To avenge her death (Kikyou smiled inwardly at how strange that sounded), she would see to it that Naraku went to Hell. And then? She would cross that bridge when she reached it. 

Kikyou spent the rest of the painting session trying to think of something other than InuYasha and having everything she thought of remind her of him. How much time had passed, she didn't know, but the sun was beginning to set when the painter proclaimed himself finished. "My best work yet!" Kusanagi shouted excitedly, throwing his hands in the air. Passersby looked at him strangely before whispering to one another behind their hands. He paid them no notice, though, and he called out to the miko. 

"Kikyou! I'm finished! And I've got your copy too! Come see!" Kusanagi yelled like a little child who had found a coin or a shiny rock. 

Kikyou jumped down gracefully from the bridge, the bouquet in hand. She walked over to the painter, trying not to let it show how eager she was to see the finished product. She put many different possibilities in her head, but none of them came close to what she saw as she walked to the front of the easel. 

There she was, sitting on the bridge, outlined in black with colors tinting her skin, the flowers, the river and so many other things ever so slightly. The black outlines gave it a sentimental yet dramatic effect, while the colors made you wonder whether your eyes were playing tricks on you because they were so faint, yet ever present. She thought to herself that it was a hundred times more beautiful than she actually was.

As if on command, Kusanagi spoke. "It doesn't do you justice, I'll admit to that, but I don't think anything ever could." he said thoughtfully, as if he wasn't saying these compliments to please her, but was simply voicing his opinions. 

Kikyou chose to ignore the comment, as she didn't really know what to say. Instead she looked at her portrait more. Is that really how she looked? Her eyes swept over it, noting her hands and the flowers in them. As Kikyou's eyes moved up the portrait, she noticed something she hadn't initially. When she looked at her face, her eyes struck her. She didn't know that they looked like that. They were so sad. So...haunted. But memories of her love and betrayal forced their way into her mind. She looked again to her eyes. No, she didn't think that they looked like that. They should've been sadder. 

Looking at the miko, Kusanagi noticed something move out of the corner of his eye. When he looked down, he saw that there was blood dripping freely from her hand. It seemed that she had stabbed herself with thorns. "Doesn't that hurt..?" Kusanagi asked tentatively.

Kikyou was slightly startled. She had forgotten he was there. She followed his gaze to her hand, where she saw the blood. She hadn't even felt it. "No, I am fine." Kikyou replied in a tone filled with finality, as if forcing him to drop the subject. 

Kusanagi was looking at her fiercely, trying to read her expression. Unable to, he opted to just ask her. "Well...? What do you think?"

"It's..." Kikyou trailed off, searching for the best word to describe it. She couldn't find it, so she just settled for one. "Beautiful."

"So you like it?" Kusanagi said excitedly. "I'm so glad! Oh, before I forget, here's your copy." Kusanagi reached behind the portrait they were looking at and pulled out another one, completely identical to the original, right down to the flower petals. 

Kikyou accepted the copy. "Thank you." she said to him, looking him straight in the eye. "You truly have a wonderful gift."

Kusanagi did not seem to expect a compliment from the introverted miko, because he was clearly stunned. Busying himself with putting away his equipment, he stuttered a response. "T-thank you very much, Kikyou-san," he said, backing up and knocking over his whole easel. The painting started to fall to the ground, and before Kikyou knew what she was doing, she caught it magically. It froze in thin air while the easel clattered loudly to the ground. Luckily there wasn't anyone on the bridge anymore, as the sun had already set. Kusanagi gaped at the floating portrait, opening and closing his mouth like a fish. 

Kikyou drew the painting into her hand and took a step forward, offering it to the painter. Kusanagi accepted it from her, now turning his stunned gaze to Kikyou. He had finally gotten a hold of himself when Kikyou turned and began to walk away. "Wait-" he began.

Kikyou turned around swiftly, looking at him with a glare that dared him to say another word. When he didn't, Kikyou's expression softened. "Thank you very much for the painting, Kusanagi-san. I love it." And with that the miko turned around and walked away once more. Kusanagi knew better than to call after her. Instead, the still-stunned painter packed up his tools with shaking hands and headed home. 

The miko decided to spend the night on the banks of the river. Finding a spot secluded by trees, Kikyou lay her portrait down carefully, far from the bank so that it would not get wet. Looking out towards the river, she took her slippers off too. Her shinidamachuu came to her, feeding her with new souls for the night. She asked two of them to guard her portrait while she headed down to the bank. 

Kikyou looked down at her feet while she walked, seeing the dirt and rock touch her toes, but not feeling them. Her soul eaters teemed around her all the while, casting an eerie light on the water's edge. She could barely hear their whisper amid the noise of the softly rushing water. Taking a seat on the bank, Kikyou closed her eyes. She thought back to her day with the painter Kusanagi, reflecting on their conversation to keep her mind off InuYasha. She stopped at a certain point, playing it over and over again in her head. "Kusanagi, why do you paint?" "I-I'm not sure, I've never really thought about it before. I just love painting. I guess it takes my mind off of life's hardships. Keeps me from being too sad." 

The miko smiled bitterly. "If that's true, then I should be painting every second of every day." she said aloud to her soul eaters. They seemed to glow a little brighter, as if they understood. 

Next to her hand, Kikyou saw a small stick. Inspired, she reached over and picked it up, scooting back to reveal more of the bare patch of earth she was sitting on. "Lets see...what do I want to draw?" Kikyou mumbled, her soul eaters seeming take a break from their soul fetching to see what she'd do next. Some of them still had a soul in their possession. Kikyou didn't seem to mind; she was almost full anyway. "Okay...something beautiful, I suppose. Something I think is beautiful." Kikyou thought for a bit, the soul eaters hovering around her head as she did so. Kikyou let the twig touch the soft earth, and she drew a line. The soul eaters moved to shine some of their light on the spot she was drawing in. Kikyou did not really see what she was drawing. Instead she was thinking of what she thought was the most beautiful thing on earth. All was silent except for the river's rushing noise and the sound of the stick scratching in the dirt. Her soul eaters watched her progress eagerly at first, swarming around her quickly, as if excited. But as she got further on, they began to slow down and droop, hovering closer to the ground. Kikyou noticed and snapped out of her trance to see what was wrong. She looked down at what she had drawn. 

She couldn't see it very well because her soul eaters moved away from the picture, as if not wanting to see it. Kikyou turned to the nearest one. It seemed to hover twitchily, as if it wanted desperately to leave. "Can you shine your light here please? I can't see," Kikyou asked. Reluctanly, the soul eater moved closer to the picture. It's fellows clustered near it, providing more light. 

What met her eyes was a childish-looking drawing of InuYasha. He was stout and small, but she was sure it was him. She had even drawn ears. The stick dropped from her limp hands, and her eyes widened, then narrowed fiercely. She let out a small scream and clawed furiously at the dirt. Her soul eaters scattered, though they did not leave her side the whole time. Kikyou grunted as she attacked the damp earth, filling her fingernails with it, dirtying her hands until what was left of the drawing was a small hole. It wasn't fair, it wasn't. With one final swipe at the hole, Kikyou sent bits of dirt flying out into the river. She keeled over, her forehead in the soil, her fists pounding a sporadic beat in the dirt. When she was finally finished, her breathing was ragged and harsh. Her back heaved up and down in a desperate attempt to seize air. Her dissonant breaths seemed...wrong somehow, next to the rhythmical flowing of the river. Kikyou stayed like that for a while, and through small spaces in her curtain of hair the light from her soul eaters streamed in. She sat upright slowly, looking to them. They seemed sad. She smiled a sad smile at them, taking care not to disturb the pool of tears in her eyes. "Why is it that I'm so weak-hearted now? I'm not strong anymore..." Kikyou murmured, reaching her hand out to one of her soul eaters. It streamed slowly around her fingertips. "I used to be able to control emotions. But now," she paused. "Now I'm...so sad. That's why. Because I don't have him anymore. I was strong before him, but now that I know his touch, his love, I can't-" she stopped abruptly, taking a quick breath. "I can't be strong without him." Kikyou stated, desperately trying to keep her tears from falling from her brown eyes. 

The soul eater weaving around her fingertips still had a soul in its grasp. She brought her hand closer to her face, the soul eater following. It's transparent eyes looked into her somehow darkened brown ones and a tear escaped her eyes, streaming down her cheek. Still holding her hand up to see the soul eater better, Kikyou noticed that it was shaking slightly. And then, it too shed a tear. The tear fell into the soul in its mouth and the soul eater then moved forward to deposit the soul inside Kikyou. She felt warm for a moment, and then very cold. Her other soul eaters began to swarm in her field of vision, and she noticed that they cried as well. Their tears hit the ground surrounding her, leaving a pearly glow in their wake. Finally, Kikyou couldn't control it any longer. She wept. She wept bitterly, her hands scrunching around the fabric of her hakata, balling it in her fists. All the while her soul eaters stayed with her, their swarming becoming a dance. When she ran out of tears to shed, Kikyou looked out to the river. "InuYasha..." she whispered, barely audible over the noise of the river. Feeling as if she'd burst with the frustration, Kikyou slammed her fist into the ground, and then winced, exhaling sharply through her teeth. That hurt...That hurt? Kikyou looked at her hand with wide eyes, seeing crimson blood pool slowly around a small wound. The light of her soul eaters made it seem to be a strange grayish color, but she knew it was red. Suddenly a wave of feeling washed over her and she felt the aches and stings of wounds she had amassed. The palm of her hand stung from being pricked by numerous thorns in that bouquet of wildflowers, her fists had small scrapes in them from beating the ground earlier, and she noticed a rock digging into her knee. She was cold and her legs were wet from the damp sand soaking through her hakata. And yet, she hadn't been this happy in a while. She could feel. She looked to her soul eaters in surprise, and they twinkled back happily at her before fading into the night. 

"My emotion...?" Kikyou questioned in response to what they had communicated to her. It didn't matter. She could feel now. The words sang in her head. Pain, yes, but now she could feel warmth as well. "Thank you...my friends..."Kikyou whispered into the night air, knowing that they had heard her.

__

If I were a painter, 

I would paint my reverie. 

If that's the only way for you to be with me.

We'd be there together, just like we used to be,

__

Underneath the swirling skies for all to see. 

And I'm dreaming of a place 

Where I could see your face,

And I think my brush could take me there.

But only if I were a painter

And could paint a memory.

I'd climb inside the swirling skies to be with you.

And I'm dreaming of a place

Where I could see your face,

And I think my brush could take me there.

But only if I were a painter

And could paint a memory.

I'd climb inside the swirling skies to be with you. 

I'd climb inside the skies to be with you. 


	4. Envy's Double Edge

Title: Those Three Words

Chapter: Three- Envy's Double Edge

A/N: Yes, back to the InuYasha and Kikyou scenes! Hope you missed them, but weren't too distraught by their absence. I had attempted to start this chapter several times, but nothing I ever wrote seemed right. Last night was that episode about InuYasha choosing Kikyou and then Kagome being all upset about it and them holding hands and augh! It really really upset me! I actually cried and said " I hate you, Kagome" and "I hate you, InuYasha" over and over again. I try, I really do, not to hate them, but sometimes it's so hard...hmm, maybe I'm doing a bit too much character exploration here...ah well, it served one purpose! To provide me with my muse! Yay! You came back! However, though I have my muse, my memory is as poor as ever, so a major gomen to all of you for my botched attempt at writing that conversation between Kikyou and InuYasha at the Goshinboku accurately. I don't know it word for word, heck, I'm missing huge chunks of it! In fact, I don't really remember the exact words of anyone, so I'll just try my best to make it sound convincing. Who knows? Maybe I'll get some of it right. Could someone perhaps tell me where I can find a good episode summary with direct quotes? I've only ever been to InuYasha world.com, so I'm open to new places. Oooh, and a good summary of episode 15 would be nice too. I only know the basics, not the actual kawaii scenes between Kikyou and InuYasha. Anyway, again, gomen in advance. You've got a long chapter ahead of you, so don't forget to stock up on snacks and beverages! Some Naraku bashing in here, hope you enjoy! Does anybody actually _like_ Naraku...? Hmm...Ooooh! Yay! A special thanks to Chris Rijk at the West of Tokyo Club for having all of those wonderful InuYasha manga translations! Thanks to him, now I can provide you with the manga dialogue for Kikyou and InuYasha's conversation at the Goshinboku. I'm going to use all of the same dialogue (maybe mix it together with whatever I can remember from the anime), except for the ending part. For that I'm going to use the anime version of events, that way I can still have that Kikyou-holding-a-knife-to-InuYasha's-throat ending. Even though the manga's ending is so much sweeter (^_^) This chapter promises to be really long, so I may split it into several parts. Maybe. 

This Chapter Dedicated to: EddieMunster! Thanks for the e-mail, you've really helped me find my true muse. It seems that this other one I had thought returned to me was an impersonator! How dare they impersonate my muse! But, you've really helped me discover my true muse once more. Like I said in my e-mail, I tend to morph into the writing style of the author whose work I read last. Since I read your e-mail, I think that my true creativity has quite possibly returned to me. Let's hope so. I had already written the first... five paragraphs (including dialogue) before I recieved your e-mail, so my style may change abruptly. But thank you again. I was in a real slump, but I was all smiles reading your e-mail! Oh, and a quick shout out to shinsetsu no kokoro AKA Sango-chan. Your fic was so great, and apparently we are alike in the sense that we both love compromise! Major props. 

Inspired by: "Wishing I Was There" by Natalie Imbruglia and "Sweet Surrender" by Sarah McLachlan (Bunches and bunches of thanks to Angela at Sarahfan.com for all of my Sarah McLachlan lyrics!). I'll definitely be using these songs as inspiration for many more adventures; they're all just so applicable, so fitting! So, expect to see these songs in future 'Inspired by:' sections. Oh, that reminds me, I forgot to do my little disclaimer here! People will sue for anything nowadays...so, of course, I don't own any of these songs or songs I've referred to prior to this, as well as songs I will refer to in the future. These songs belong to...whoever, the record label, the writer, the artist, I really don't care. They belong to someone that is not me. There, ha! Can't sue me!

A dimming haze seemed to blanket her vision as she hung the kimono on the clothesline. Her hands didn't seem to be her own, moving of their own accord to arrange the soft, damp fabric. She certainly wasn't telling them to do that; no, her mind was somewhere completely different, focused on the events that took place at the Goshinboku exactly two nights ago. She played it over and over in her head; dissecting it, analyzing it, enjoying it. Regretting it. But no matter what she felt, every feeling towards it made her want to watch it again, to look for some kind of sign in his eyes, anything, that might give her some answers. Questions? She had none that she could think of, but she knew there were many. Absently picking up the next article of clothing, Kikyou moved down the clothesline, the childrens' laughing and the villagers' chatter swirling together before fading into murmurs at the back of her mind.

She had sensed Naraku following her for a while then, his chilling aura severely annoying the miko. It put her in mind of a housefly; its buzzing sound driving you mad, while never touching you the whole time. Just that irritating buzz. The same could be said for that creature, Naraku. He didn't do anything, he just watched. Just sat and watched. Kikyou could only guess what was going on in that bastard head of his. It was all bitterly amusing to Kikyou, but only because she knew why. Why he followed her around like that, why he couldn't kill her. Mirthless laughter escaped her at the mere thought. Poor Naraku was in love. That thief she had cared for, Onigumo, his heart that had loved and desired Kikyou still lingered inside the being that was Naraku. How pathetic. 

Sensing his essence once more, Kikyou had had the final straw. She would take a swat at this fly, maybe then it would leave her alone. Leaving her task in the village, the miko headed into the woods, towards the source of the aura. The leaves whispered ominously as if they too knew of the repercussions that this meeting would soon bring. Kikyou was highly aware of the absence of that familiar weight on her left shoulder, as well as the emptiness in her hands that was the place of her bow. Yet, it didn't matter-- he wouldn't, couldn't harm her. A malicious smile forced its way onto the miko's face. 

"Naraku!" she yelled forcefully. "I know you're here! You've been following me for a while now," Kikyou let that sentence hang, as if she were hinting to him her knowledge of his predicament. 

"Ah Kikyou, sharp as ever, I see." Naraku said cordially. Kikyou forced out a laugh, but as the light sound reached Naraku's ears, he seemed to falter slightly. Shaking himself out of it, he questioned her. "Do you find something amusing?" 

"Well, let's just say that I'm sharper than you could ever imagine. Dear Naraku, do you honestly think that I don't know about your little...hindrance?" she allowed herself another malicious snicker. "I know about the fact that Onigumo's heart, his heart full of lust for me, still beats within you." Kikyou imbued a subtle emphasis into her last words, resulting in them practically dripping with hauteur.

A sudden gust of wind blew at the miko, swirling leaves and debris towards her. She shielded her face, momentarily surprised. And with that, Naraku's aura faded away. She hadn't expected that reaction, but she got her desired result nonetheless. For now, Kikyou was free from that nuisance of a housefly. Yet, the portentous whisper of leaves in the forest remained, leaving Kikyou to wonder what was to come. 

She had been tending to injured villagers when she found out why there was that forboding feeling everywhere. The miko sensed an evil presence, similar to that of Naraku, meaning that it was probably one of his underlings. Swirling lights could be seen in the distance, and Kikyou was quick to recognize them as dead souls. Not long afterwards, a large snake-like being that resembled her own Shinidama-chuu emerged from the sky above, complete with its own entourage of dark clouds. 

Kikyou hastily asked a man if she could borrow his horse, along with a bow and some arrows. Stunned, he said yes as if he didn't even register the question. When all was said and done, Kikyou was riding through the forest, dodging branches that seemed to swipe at her as if they were trying to scare her away. No sooner had she emerged into the full sunlight before she was met with the edge of a cliff. As if that weren't enough, the strange demon was not far behind her. 

She dismounted her spooked horse and shot at the demon. She missed. As though she were being punished for her poor marksmanship, she felt a painful wrenching near her heart, fortelling the escape of souls from her body. Their light swirled around her almost bitterly before going to join their fellows inside the demon. Kikyou shot again desperately, her next arrow being further off course than its predecessor. More souls left her earthen body, and the miko didn't know if she could bear that pain again. She didn't have long to wonder though, because the demon flew straight towards her immensely weakened self, and Kikyou lost her footing resulting in a vague feeling of flying just before she made violent contact with a clump of bushes lining the cliff's edge.

How she wished she could die then, more intensely than usual. Her broken body reminded her achingly each time she took a labored step that she could indeed feel again. Death would surely be better than all this suffering, so why didn't she just keel over and die? Why indeed...but Kikyou knew why. It was a thought that haunted her every day and every night, never truly leaving her brain. She couldn't die until _he_ did. Him, her InuYasha. It was her job to protect him, his life was hers. These words echoed around in her brain, resonating against the walls of her mind. His life was hers. And so, she couldn't die. She couldn't leave this planet, a place she'd come to know as an alternate Hell. Every second of every day was filled with her struggling, with her suffering, but she couldn't leave. She was tied down to this realm by her obligation to the one she loved and hated at the same time. 

Therefore, Kikyou forced her feet to move forward. She pushed her body of holy bones and soil to its limit, trying desperately to put distance between her and the soul-stealing demon. Everything was starting to look the same, almost familiar, causing Kikyou to wonder absently whether she'd been going in circles. It was impossible, she was sure she had been going straight the whole time, but a heavy fog was settled around her brain as her energy seeped out of her with every step she took. 

A sudden burst of sunlight blinded her as she emerged from the forest. She had to squint at first, and she bemusedly wondered whether the sunlight would knock her down. She was so weak, she wouldn't be surprised. Yet, something occured to force Kikyou abruptly from her dazed state. It shoved her into a state of complete awareness, making her alert and tensed, even if only for a moment. She had heard her name. Someone had called her name, and there was no mistaking the voice. It was the voice that never left her mind. It was the voice that her ears had longed to hear for so long. A voice that forever played inside her head.

However, her physical state overruled her heart's desires, so despite the surge of adrenaline through her veins, the feeling of immense exhaustion smothered that tingling feeling that flew through her body. Leaning on her bow for support, she struggled to speak. Her dry lips worked to form the words, but her throat merely constricted, resulting in a strange gurgle. She tried again, and though she was near to collapsing, she managed to force her throat and her lips to work together, choking out "Inu...Yasha..." in a cracked and raspy voice. 

All that happened next was a blur to her. She remembered little of it, but what she did remember clearly was that feeling that she loved so much. For a moment, if only for a moment, Kikyou felt like all of this...suffering was a dream. Everything was back to normal, fifty years hadn't passed, and she was still with her InuYasha. And all because of what she was feeling at that instant. She was...flying. InuYasha's strong arms were around her, and the wind whipped through her hair. The air bit at her face, and all was right with the world. He was carrying her through the air, leaving their worries behind. 

When they reached the ground, though, it seemed that with that jarring impact, all of her troubles came flooding back to her, just as harshly as the landing. She remembered feeling something scratchy on the back of her head, tangling in her hair. Tree bark. He had set her down against a tree before going to face that demon. She wasn't sure if she was imagining it or not, but she could've sworn she'd heard InuYasha talking to himself. 

"...That thing intends to rip out the dead souls from Kikyou and break her body..." 

"...I'm already broken..." were the words Kikyou wanted to say, but all that came out was a feeble groan. Everything went blank after that. 

The next thing she knew, she could feel the energy coming back to her in short bursts. Her shinidama-chuu were giving her souls...

"Hang on, Kikyou, your insects are collecting up the dead souls..."

InuYasha? Was it really him? He stayed with her...he could've just left her, but he stayed with her. She wanted so much to ask him why, along with some other things, but all her weary body could say was "Inu...Yasha...?"

"Kikyou! You can talk?!"

'Of course I can talk, silly. Don't be a fool! I'm not dead! Well...' "Why...are you here?" Kikyou forced out. 

"That's my line," InuYasha said playfully, his shadow looming over her and blocking out the sun. Kikyou was glad...it was starting to become irritating, all of that sunlight... "Why are you here?" InuYasha continued. 

'Stop talking to me...please...let me rest...Ha, you'll never let me rest, how silly of me...' Yet, all of these thoughts took second place to what InuYasha was asking her. So, they remained in her head, thoughts not spoken. "While the youkai was chasing me...and I was running...before I realized it, I had come to the village...where I was born...and lived...and met you..." You would think that the common saying 'born, lived, and-' would be completed by 'died', but for Kikyou, it seemed that meeting InuYasha was the same. She would've smiled at the irony of it all, but she was too weak. She felt a surge of bitterness towards the hanyou, as all of her introspections and frustrated musings rushed back to her, flooding her brain until it was full of hatred once more. She didn't want to hate him, but she had to. She wouldn't let all of her work, all of those nights spent convincing herself that she didn't love him or need him, go to waste. It was better that way. "and also...you were here too, InuYasha..." Kikyou finished. 

"So you came to find me...knowing that I'd rescue you..." InuYasha mumbled. 

A small pang of pride and resentment shot through her chest. "Don't be a fool," she scoffed. "I can take care of myself." Kikyou left a bit of a pause to further emphasize what she said next. "I don't need you."

Kikyou was met with a ringing silence, so she took it as her cue to continue on. She could feel something coming from this tree...a certain...heaviness, much like the heaviness that always settled in her spirit whenever she allowed herself to think of InuYasha. 'Oh...' Kikyou thought. "Fifty years ago, at this place...I shot an arrow thorugh your chest, and my life ended as well..." she said aloud, reasoning it all out. 

"Yeah..." InuYasha said, as if he didn't know why she was bringing this all up. 

Kikyou could sense it, and she herself wondered why she was saying this. 'Because...he has to know...' she thought. 'He has to know...how I feel...how Naraku feels...it will help him to be better prepared...' She had to tell him. "InuYasha...why do you think Naraku caught us in a trap...and made us hate each other?" she could feel herself regaining a bit of strength. 

"That's...to corrupt the Shinon no Tama," InuYasha answered, reminding Kikyou vaguely of a student who was trying to answer a question carefully. "By tainting your heart, which keeps the jewel cleansed, with hatred...for me." his last words seemed forced out, as if he himself were unable to believe it. 

Kikyou almost let out a snort, but her genteel upbringing made sure she didn't. Instead, she settled for a slight scoff. "Hmph, that's...just an excuse. Even without corrupting my heart...if Naraku just touched the Shikon, that would've been enough to corrupt the jewel."

"Kikyou...what are you trying to say?" InuYasha asked, not quite connecting the pieces yet. It was as though he didn't want to. 

"The remains of Onigumo's heart inside Naraku...wanted us broken up." she accented her last few words, as if they were an answer that was imminent, but one that she hated to hear. Her voice saying those words had spoken volumes about her torture. But it was wasted on InuYasha, for he was still too stunned to catch any details whatsoever. 

"O-Onigumo's...heart?!"

Kikyou continued in a bitter tone. "That wild thief...wanted me for himself. Purposedly inducing me to kill you with my own hands...was a fantasy of the atrocious jealousy in Onigumo's heart."

InuYasha, still clearly confused, tried to find a ground he was familiar with. So, instead of asking more questions, he reprimanded the thief. "Jealousy? What a meaningless reason to..."

Upon hearing this, Kikyou felt slightly offended. He didn't understand! He didn't know what it felt like to watch the one you loved adore someone else. Granted, she still hated the thief, but she understood now how he felt. She wouldn't have minded watching InuYasha kill that girl, Kagome...no, what an evil thought...but she couldn't deny that it was true. InuYasha had no idea what that pain was like, and it made her hate him even more. She hated him for not understanding, for not having to suffer as she did. But she tried to be patient. "Yes, it's meaningless...but also very human." 

InuYasha, however, was still trying to digest what she was telling him. "Onigumo's heart remains inside Naraku...?! Wait a sec, Kikyou...that means...Naraku's feelings for you..." 

"He probably doesn't want to admit it, but...at any rate, it seems those feelings remain... to try to remove those feelings, he attempted to kill me off..." 

The pieces seemed to slide into place, for Kikyou saw something spark behind InuYasha's amber eyes. Shortly after, his jaw seemed to set, as if he were gritting his teeth. "Ugh..."

Hold on...was he jealous? No, it couldn't be...he didn't care about her, he really didn't. But no matter how many times she told herself that, Kikyou could feel a small glimmer of hope twinkle inside her. Maybe, just maybe, he still loved her! Kikyou shook her head. No...no! He was just playing with her again! Playing with her heart, throwing it in the air and threatening to let it drop to the ground and shatter. She wouldn't let him. "Enough small talk, InuYasha," Kikyou said with as much hostility and boredom as she could muster. "My body has filled up with dead souls." she said, standing up on quivering knees. It was a lie; she hadn't quite filled up, but she had to get away from him. 

"Kikyou!" InuYasha called. "You're...intending to destroy Naraku by yourself, aren't you?! That's no good!" InuYasha stepped closer to her. 

Kikyou's urge to leave was momentarily curbed by a feeling of pride. Just who did he think she was? She could take care of herself; she wasn't weak, she didn't need anyone to _save_ her. She most certainly wasn't even close to her reincarnation, always crying for help. No, she was Kikyou, and she didn't need anyone. An offended tone found its way into her voice, no matter how she tried to disguise it as indifference. "InuYasha...I am a miko. By fighting with my spiritual powers, I can completely remove him from this world." A slight bit of arrogance and haughtiness tinged her words. 

"I'm not talking about that! That someone like _Naraku_," and here InuYasha's voice lowered significantly, as if Naraku was some kind of lowly bandit that InuYasha looked down on and found disgusting. Which was only partially untrue. "is in," InuYasha paused and swallowed, seeming as though he didn't want to say it. If he didn't say it, maybe it wouldn't be true... but he continued, his next word distinctly imbued with a combination of disgust and sadness. "_love_ with you...it makes me_ sick_." Finally finishing his sentence, InuYasha shook his head vigorously, trying to rid himself of that prick of jealousy in his chest, his silvery bangs catching light as they brushed against his tightly closed eyes. 

Before Kikyou could react, InuYasha grabbed her roughly by the shoulders. 'Please, don't do this...don't make it harder than it already is...I don't think I- I know I- _can't_ deal with it, I couldn't handle it if you said any more... Why, InuYasha...why do you keep hurting me so...? Please, stop it...Don't say anymore...'

"Kikyou, you...you said that my life was yours," InuYasha said gently, his golden eyes searching her dark brown ones. 

Kikyou could see where this was going, but her mind was in a state of numbness. 'Stop. Stop right there, not another word...'

"In that case, your life is mine!" he said, his voice rising passionately.

No. Kikyou tried to pretend that he hadn't said it; that she just imagined it, and that he didn't really say those words. But it was a waste of time. How could he...? How dare he! How dare InuYasha do this to her. Make her feel as if there was hope that he still loved her. It wasn't fair, it wasn't. Yet, despite her rage, all that she wanted to say, all of her questions and angry sentiments, took the form of a simple and softly spoken "InuYasha..." 

"Kikyou...there's no way I'll hand you over...to the likes of _Naraku_." that same disgust found it's way into his voice again, but instead of shaking his head or saying more, InuYasha did something that Kikyou hadn't expected. Something that she dreaded, but at the same time, desired, needed. He pulled her forcefully into a strong embrace. 

Her knees almost buckled then, not from weakness, but from the weight of his actions. He had no idea what he had just done. In that single act, InuYasha had erased those weeks of hard work that Kikyou had strived so much to keep. With his embrace, he threw it all away. All of the nights that she lay down alone, by herself, trying desperately to pretend that she wasn't lonely. All of the hours of introspection in which she tried in vain to convince herself that she didn't need him. That she didn't miss him. All of her time, her work, gone and wiped away in that one instant. Weeks of her time, her tears, gone. And she hated him for it. She loathed him, abhorred him, completely and totally _despised _him. But she loved him so much...

"Let go of me...!" Kikyou said, trying fervently to sound like she meant it. She was pretty sure she failed. She dug her fingertips into his flesh, attempting to push him away, but he wouldn't move. 

"Never." he said into her hair. "If you're attacked again, just like now...who will protect you?! I'm the only one who can!" he said firmly.

'Oh InuYasha...you're saying that from the heart, aren't you...?' No, no, it wasn't real. He didn't mean it... 

His next sentence sounded very frustrated. "I can't take it any longer! I couldn't stand it even if...that measly Naraku _sees_ you, or hears your voice...and that's not to mention how I'd feel if I lost you again." InuYasha hugged her tighter, burying his face in the crook of her neck, ignoring the strong scent of soil and death, sifting through it all to find her _real_ scent, that one that was uniquely hers. And he found it. Kikyou's fragrance, that of rain and incense, wind and honey. There was only one other scent that was similar to Kikyou's, but even her reincarnation didn't have a scent that wasquite the same. His thoughts were then brought to Kagome. 

Kagome...a twinge of guilt struck him then, but whether he was guilty about thinking about Kagome when he was with Kikyou or being with Kikyou when he should've been with Kagome, he didn't quite know...

In the meantime, Kikyou was facing an internal struggle of her own. What she wouldn't have given to be able to stay like that forever. To feel safe in his arms and pretend, if only for a moment, that InuYasha still loved her. She could hear the dull thud of his heartbeat, a sound she hadn't heard in so long, and she was...happy. Kikyou had forgotten how that felt, and to finally feel that peace was somewhat overwhelming. But welcome just the same. And yet, something nagged at her, an urgent feeling seeping through her slowly. Like...poison.

She wasn't sure why she wanted to get away; perhaps it was because of the pain of rejection that she felt constantly after that night she tried to take him to the afterlife with her. Or, perhaps it was because she wasn't really sure if he loved her anyway. That Kagome girl seemed to have gotten pretty close to him... And maybe it was because part of her still hated him for everything he put her through; resented the fact that he didn't seem to face that pain of loneliness every moment that he was alive. He wasn't forced to endure the ache that never leaves the part of your chest where your spirit resides. InuYasha had moved on so quickly, forgetting about her and finding love in another. Her reincarnation. Kagome. 

Whatever her reason was, Kikyou knew that she had to leave. It wasn't a choice; it was necessary and imperative that she get away from him. Every moment that she stayed in his arms was another moment that she would be haunted by him later. She didn't need that; her very existence was consumed with his voice, his face, his essence. 

So, Kikyou steeled herself up for what she was about to do. She mustered every feeling of resentment and hatred towards InuYasha that she had, trying to project it onto her face. It pained her so much to do this to him, to break his heart this way. It was all she could do to keep from getting on her knees and begging him to stay with her forever, to take her with him on his adventures and wherever else he went. She wanted desperately to tell him that she thought of him every second of every day, and that she loved him and cherished him and never wanted to leave him. Kikyou wanted to reveal to him her true feelings. But, all she could do was detach herself from her body; just watch herself make the motions, pretend that it was someone else and not her. 

InuYasha felt Kikyou stiffen in his embrace slightly when he thought of Kagome. 'Could she tell...? Can she read my mind...?' Yet, despite the sudden sinking feeling in his abdomen at the thought, InuYasha did the only thing he knew to do. He hugged her tighter. Maybe he thought that he could squeeze the doubt out of her, only leaving her feelings for him. If she had any besides hatred, that is...He heard her sigh somewhat forcefully when he did this, but he wasn't sure if it was because he crushed it out of her, or because he reminded her of where she was. It didn't really matter to him. Nothing mattered but the fact that she was here with him now, and she didn't hate him. At this thought he seemed to swell, an almost giddy feeling coursing through him. He wanted to jump up and down and laugh, he wanted to yell at the top of his lungs that Kikyou didn't hate him and she could maybe even love him again. But, a moment after this thrilling thought occured to him, InuYasha's mind was wiped clean when he felt something cold press against his neck. 

"Wha-" InuYasha began, pulling away from Kikyou just enough to see her face. Her eyes were strange and clouded, and for a moment he thought she was posessed or something. A wicked smile crossed her face, lining its porcelain planes with lines as harsh as her grin. She let out a derisive laugh that tickled his cheek with warm air. It chilled his heart. 

"Ha, men. Such fools. You think that with just one embrace, a woman is yours." Kikyou's voice was cold and flat, tinged with boredom and anger, laced with...amusement. Every word seemed to be emphasized, driving pointed daggers into InuYasha's mind. Kikyou enunciated more than earlier, and if she were talking to anyone else, it would all sound somewhat scripted. But to InuYasha, it just sounded like hatred. 

"Ki-" InuYasha was stopped abruptly this time by something sharp being pressed onto his throat. It was that cold thing from earlier, only now it was warmer from being up against his neck. He tried to look down at it without moving his head, and when he glanced at it with his golden eyes, a silver blade winked back at him in the moonlight. 

"_Don't_," this first word came out agitated, as if it entailed so many things. Don't speak, don't lie, don't break my heart. But Kikyou clarified her intent by adding another word as an afterthought. "Move."

It seemed as if his happy thoughts and dreams from earlier had come crashing down on him. InuYasha couldn't believe what was happening, and his mind was abuzz with so many different emotions. He was mostly hurt that Kikyou could do this to him. Did she really hate him that much...?Disappointment came next because all of his visions of Kikyou staying by his side, accompanying them on their search for the Shikon shards, were dashed completely. And he was angry because his pride was hurt intensely. He put himself on the line, and she still rejected him. But overall, he was heartbroken. 

The look in his eyes made her falter slightly, and Kikyou was almost overcome by that desperate wish to tell him how she really felt. Scared that if she opened her mouth, all of these thoughts would come gushing out, Kikyou said nothing as she stepped away from him. She was highly aware of the cold that surrounded her in the place of InuYasha's arms. Instead, as her Shinidama-chuu came to her and whisked her away into the night, she tried to communicate her true feelings to him through her eyes. 'Once the thread of Fate is tangled, it cannot be undone.' She hoped he would understand. He became smaller and smaller as she flew higher into the air. 

InuYasha finally snapped out of his somehow paralyzed daze, but it was too late, because Kikyou was already too far away. Both metaphorically and physically. "Kikyou!" he called desperately. She just kept looking at him with those sad eyes. They weren't like they were when she was threatening him; that small spark was behind them once more, even though her brow was furrowed above them. "_Kikyou_!" 

And that was how it went. A scene that Kikyou had replayed constantly for two nights now, the night with InuYasha at the Goshinboku. It didn't surprise her that it played on a loop in her head; on the contrary, Kikyou had expected it. She didn't welcome it, but she accepted it. And sometimes, when she'd be caught off guard, she'd enjoy it. 

A cloud of dust blossomed at Kikyou's feet, accompanied by a loud thud and a small yelp. Kikyou was abruptly shaken from her musings by this, and she looked down to see a small girl on the ground beside her. 

"Are you alright?" Kikyou asked gently as she helped the girl stand and dusted her off. 

"Yes, Kikyou-sama, thank you!" the small girl chirped, smiling brightly through the smudges of dirt on her round face. 

Kikyou smirked to herself. Even after tripping, little Yuko was always cheerful. How lucky she was...

Yuko managed to interrupt her musings once more, her high pitched voice drawing Kikyou back to reality. Kikyou absently noted that she should thank her for that...She didn't know she was doing it, but Yuko was definitely doing her a favor. "Kikyou-sama, your eyes, they seem to be looking somewhere far away! Are you..." Yuko paused, as if searching for a word in her limited vocabulary. Leave it to her to pick the best one. "Lost?"

The miko looked somewhat surprised for a moment, but soon after allowed herself a small smile. Kikyou placed her hand on Yuko's cheek, feeling her hand shift as the girl smiled more at this gesture. "Yes, Yuko-chan, I am...lost." She didn't expect Yuko to respond, being a child, she wouldn't really understand. She probably couldn't detect the sadness in her voice. Kikyou was used to having to mask emotion as well as detect it; after all, she was running with humans and demons alike who were very trained themselves at doing so. It was a harsh world she lived in.

Yuko's smile faded swiftly, shifting Kikyou's hand on her cheek once more. A troubled look filled the child's eyes, and her head that was tilted up to face the miko standing next to her suddenly hung down. Kikyou was about to ask what was wrong, but before she could ask, Yuko launched herself at Kikyou's legs, trapping them in a tight embrace. 

"Oh Kikyou-sama," Yuko cried into the miko's legs, her voice muffled. "I'm so sorry for you!" She looked up again at the miko towering over her. "If you're lost, you have to find your way home!"

It took a moment for the girl's words to sink in, but when they did, Kikyou felt that familiar lump in her throat and that burning prickle behind her eyes. How profound her words were, Yuko would never know, but Kikyou was surely able to see the layers of meaning behind her simple phrase. Smiling down at the girl, her face shrouded in shadows, Kikyou nodded. "Yes," she said gently. "You're right. I have to find my way. Back home." Kikyou knelt down on one knee, looking straight into Yuko's milky brown eyes. They weren't hard like Kikyou's, but fluid, showing everything to the world and hiding no secrets. Kikyou wondered if hers were like that before she became a miko... "Thank you very much, Yuko-chan, you've really helped me."

Yuko's trademark smile lit up her face again. "Kikyou-sama, I'm glad to have been able to help you. You've helped this village so much; I'm so happy I could do something for you. But...does that mean you're leaving?"

Kikyou smiled gently. "Yes, I'm afraid I must."

Yuko's smile was replaced by a look of seriousness and feigned maturity. Kikyou grinned at it slightly. But Yuko wasn't phased. The tone in her voice was just as solemn as the look on her face. "I will miss you very much, Kikyou-sama, but I want you to be happy. And, even though I don't want you to go, I know that the only way you will be happy is if you go to where you belong."

Yuko's words burned a place in Kikyou's mind from that moment on. Even later, the young girl's words would echo in Kikyou's head. They were forever etched into her memory. But at that moment, all that Kikyou could think about was doing exactly what this young girl said. However, she felt that she couldn't leave without some closure. Things like that seemed to be an obssession with Kikyou nowadays; she couldn't bring herself to leave a village abruptly without thoroughly saying goodbye. Maybe it was because she never got a chance to do so with _him_...

Kikyou's mind worked furiously, trying to think of something she could do for Yuko, to help her remember her. She didn't have much to give her, as all she really had to her name were the clothes on her back, her bow, and some magic. Nothing that she could leave with the girl. Kikyou thought and thought, and then it hit her. She could give Yuko the ribbon tying her hair! It wasn't much, but at least she would never forget her.Reaching back to untie the ribbon, Kikyou spoke to the girl. "Yuko-chan, I don't have much that I can leave you, but I do have this," she said, holding out the white ribbon. Kikyou reached back and tied Yuko's hair with it. "There now, this way you'll have something to remember me by."

And so it was with this fresh memory in her head that she walked into the forest surrounding the village.

'InuYasha, I see it now...The only way I'll be happy is if I go back to where I belong, back home. But...where is that?' Kikyou stopped her swift pace mid-stride. The strong feeling of purpose streaming through her seemed to stop with her steps. 'Home...where I belong...where am I going? The Afterlife...?' Kikyou sighed and sat down on the dark patch of earth beneath her. Leaves littered the floor here, scattered on the ground by the wind. Blowing them off course when they left their home in the boughs of the trees above. She knew the feeling. 'Home...' Kikyou turned this word over in her head, playing with it, trying to see it from different angles as if on some side of it there lay an answer. 'Home is...my village?' Kikyou analyzed this possibility. Her village had changed over the years, those who she knew before were not the people she knew now. The young were now the old, and a new generation of children scurried along the roads. Few held the memory of her, Kikyou, the miko who took them out to the fields to gather herbs. The miko who protected them and gave up her freedom for theirs. She was no more than legend, the stuff of bedtime tales told to children on the verge of sleep. No, that village was no longer _her_ village. Even her sister seemed to be against her; it was clear that even she wanted her dead and gone from this world. Her reincarnation had replaced her even in her own sister's eyes. So, that was not, and never could be, her home. 

'Home is...the Afterlife?' Again, Kikyou delved into the depths of this idea. The Afterlife. Such a peaceful place. In the afterlife, you were content about everything, no matter what it was. If you felt lonely, it didn't really matter. If you were guilty, it didn't really matter. She honestly didn't understand why InuYasha wouldn't want to follow her there. Such a rest could never be found anywhere else but in death. You were drowned in an overwhelming feeling of contentment. It could stroke you or it could strangle you, but you loved it all the same. Nothing was real there, nothing was true. Just a world all your own. It was...a lie. Granted, it was a lie that she condoned and loved, but a lie nonetheless. She would return there someday, she knew. But not today. Though she was always different from everyone else-- even now, in her resurrection--she still felt that human instinct to cling to this world. Survival. A concept imbued into the very core of our soul, no matter how small a fragment of it you held. 

Kikyou sighed. She wasn't getting anywhere. "Home..." she murmured aloud. A strange feeling filled her when she thought harder about this word. It was as if she was very close to remembering something, a memory long gone, or a memory she never had. She could almost grasp it, reach out and take it in her hands. It reminded her of how she felt when she was training to be a miko and harness her spiritual powers. Closing her eyes, Kikyou concentrated more on the feeling, but more importantly, on the word that triggered it. 'Home...' her mind said, more firmly than ever. Almost, she almost had it, almost reached the end of that path that she envisioned as a symbol, an icon for her constant journey for understanding. "Home." 

A small voice spoke in her head, or in her heart, she wasn't sure. It was something she hadn't ever experienced before, and it startled her. 'Home...is where the heart is,' it told her. Those words reverberated in her head, a strange cloudiness in them, giving them the effect of being far away. A whisper. 

Kikyou's eyes snapped open and she gasped, drawing in air that she didn't really need. She felt as though she had been on a long journey, exahusted and depleted. But what made her the most weary was the new knowledge that she had amassed. Just the thought of it brought back the feeling of fatigue that had just begun to seep away. She had just spoken with...Kagome's soul. Kikyou shook her head. No, it was _her _soul that was in Kagome's body. It called to her, as if longing to be...home. Her soul was meant for Kagome now, but somewhere inside, it desired to be back with her, obligated to her by loyalty. It must've been confused, having found it's place, yet having it's master return from the dead. That wasn't supposed to happen. And so, it didn't know what to do. Kikyou smiled bitterly. Just like a certain someone she knew. 

Apparently, she could communicate with Kagome's, her, their soul. That quote was a memory in Kagome's heart, a memory that she had gathered somewhere in her life. But Kikyou heard it. She sighed and stood again. Why was she surprised? It shouldn't be all that astonishing that she still had connections to her soul. After all, a piece of it still resided in her. She was being silly. 

"Home is where the heart is." Kikyou stated aloud to no one but herself. She recommenced her swift stride once more, her eyes not really seeing the dirt path ahead. They were filled with a determined look, glazed over by a twinkling fog. She didn't need time to ponder this conception of what the word 'home' was. Kikyou already knew that she had found where she belonged. Home was where her heart was, and there was no question about her heart's location. She didn't bother to think of the consequences of her decision. She was blinded, or rather she didn't really look at anything else. All of those things were things that she didn't need to see. All she needed to see was the path ahead, and what awaited her at the end. She couldn't hate anymore, she couldn't be angry anymore. What was the point anyway? It was an existence she had tried so hard to get away from, and even in death did she have to bear it. But that was wrong. She didn't have to bear it at all. It was her choice, she could choose not to be angry, not to hate.

'...I know that the only way you'll be happy is if you go to where you belong...' 'You're right, Yuko-chan, you are so right...I know now where I belong. I've always known.' She needed to be complete, she needed to be _whole. _The only way she could achieve that was to find her heart. And her heart was held by _him_, the one who surrounded her, trapped her, caged her. The one who smothered her very being with himself-- his face appearing in clouds, his voice heard in the wind. He was her world, her _home_. 

"I'll be there soon, my InuYasha. And then we can be happy."

__

It doesn't mean much,

It doesn't mean anything at all.

The life I've left behind me

Is a cold room.

I've crossed the last line

From where I can return.

Where every step I took in faith

Betrayed me,

And led me from my home.

****************************************

And sweet,

Sweet Surrender

Is all that I have to give

****************************************

You take me in,

No questions asked.

You strip away the ugliness 

That surrounds me.

Are you an angel?

Am I already that far gone?

I only hope

That I won't disappoint you,

When I'm down here

On my knees.

***************************************

And sweet,

Sweet Surrender

Is all that I have to give.

***************************************

And I don't understand

By the touch of your hand

That I should be the one to fall.

***************************************

I miss the little things

Oh I miss everything

About you.

***************************************

It doesn't mean much,

It doesn't mean anything at all. 

The life I've left behind me

Is a cold room. 

***************************************

And sweet,

Sweet Surrender

Is all that I have to give. 

**************************************

A/N: Sorry about the disgustingly long wait, you guys. Ha, I'm sure that all _three _of you reading were really irritated. Seriously, is anyone reading this? Because from the number of reviews I've gotten *cough* it seems that there is basically no one reading this story. Anyway, sorry again for the wait; apparently my muse doesn't like visiting me anymore, and when it does decide to come, it only comes for a couple of hours after midnight. You can probably tell that I kept falling short halfway through paragraphs (especially apparent in the ending part of the InuYasha and Kikyou scene). So, it took a while to finish! It also turned out longer than I expected, so I hope you managed to stay with me! Oh, and the name I used for the little girl that Kikyou gave her ribbon to (another very very weak part), Yuko, is actually the name of a good friend of mine, Yuko (duh)! She and I were volunteers at the blood centre together, and I love her very much. Anyway, I'll be getting started on my next part of this little episode, aptly titled Envy: Part Two. But, as I said earlier, I'd really appreciate knowing that there's someone out there reading my fic, so reviews would be really great! Flames? Heck, why not? As long as they're reasonable, and not just "Kikyou sucks." Because she doesn't!!! Kikyou rocks!!!Yay!!! 


	5. Not to Worry

Title: Those Three Words  
  
A/N: Hello hello everyone! Alright, this little insert is merely me letting you faithful readers of mine know that I will be continuing this story! I've been through a bit of rough patches, so it'll be a while before I can get another chapter up. Okay, so first I got a new (and way better) computer, so I had to transfer my files and everything from my old (really really slow) computer to my new one. And because my computer was new, it didn't have a word processor program on it yet, so I had to borrow software from my uncle. And then my aunt who I never met died in California, so the very next day my mother flew us over there. We were only supposed to stay a week, but my mother assumed the role of 'ruler of the universe' and had to handle all the funeral arrangements and everything. And because of the circumstances of my aunt's death (very messy car accident on the 7-10), there were legal matters to attend to. And, to top it all off, my uncle refused to bury my aunt until her parents could fly here from the Philippines. For that they needed a visa. We ended up burying her three weeks after she died. October 31st. Yeah. So we tried to get a flight back and low and behold, the day we were at the airport, they closed all of LAX because of the wildfires. Whew, the definition of chaos! Baggage everywhere, people were stressed because they had no place to stay. Then I finally came back and installed the software, but I accidentally deleted everything I wrote from before, plus the little I wrote to start off my next chapter. I lost passion for my story after that. After that school started, and I being a freshman in high school was pretty distracted by all the newness going on around me. But something always nagged at the back of my head, and I would often think about this story for no apparent reason. And I'd tell myself I'd write it at first, but then after a while I seriously considered abandoning it. Hell, I was just not going to write anymore. But recently I received two e- mails, one from Mika, if I remember correctly, and one from KikyouandInuyasha. Both were them asking me to continue my story. And because of you two, now I will. So thank you very much for renewing my interest in my story. But actually getting the motivation together was another thing. So I let it all sit for a few days after getting those e- mails, again me saying I'd do something but not really accomplishing anything. Leave it to Fate to throw something so little, but so important, at me. Recently I've been getting a ride with my best friend Fuu to school, and she also drives her other friend Maria. I found an InuYasha manga (volume 6) in her car, so I said "Oh wow, Kikyou's in this one!" and Maria looks at me incredulously and says "You like her?" then she went on this rant about how Kikyou should 'get over' InuYasha because she's dead and there's not really anything she can do about it. Wow. Talk about the wrong bloody thing to say. So, here I am, geared and ready to go. And I'm sure you all agree, it's one thing to like Kagome. Blasphemous still, but nonetheless minor. But it's completely different if you're a Kikyou hater. To all those Kikyou haters, especially the one that I've encountered recently, may Hell bring you fires burning with Kikyou lovers' rage. Power to the Kikyou lovers! Anyway, I promise I will try to work on my story, but I assure you, the next chapter will not be coming out for a while. Not only do I have school, but drama as well, and my uncle's just moved in, and he took my room, so I can only go on the computer when he's at work (he works graveyard, so he has to sleep). But try I will! I promise! Thanks for listening to my little story, and though I'm sure you're all rolling your eyes saying "Excuses, excuses.", I'm still glad you stayed with me. I know that you probably scrolled down first to read the chapter, but alas, it is non existent as of yet. Thanks for sticking with me, and a special thanks to you two who gave me your e-mails of support. It's because of you that this story lives on. I hope to talk to you all soon, till the next chapter! 


	6. Please Forgive Me!

Date: 1 January, 2004 A/N: Okay, now, before I tell you this, I just want to make sure that none of you reading have high blood pressure or a similar health condition. If you do, I'd suggest you not read this.oh, and if you've been having a good day and you don't want to ruin it, then I suggest you wait until you're having a really bad day to read this. Wouldn't want to spoil a perfectly good day. *takes deep breath* Alright, here goes. I- I accidentally deleted everything I wrote, again. Wait! Before you leave in anger or scream or anything, listen to what I'm going to say! Okay, I will be writing more! I promise I will finish this fic! Even if it takes me years, I will finish, I swear! So, as far as the chapter goes, you will get it, but it will take a while.a potentially long while. Super duper Gomen! I'm so sorry! But it will be up, and if you're patient enough to stick with me, I promise it'll be good. No, great. Fanfiction.net apparently has this rule that you can't post author's notes as a chapter, but I just have to do this! Please forgive me, almighty FF.net. I'll be taking this down in one month, so please e-mail me and let me know that you've read it, that way I can make sure that most of you got it. Okay, that's all for now, till next time. 


End file.
